A time for change

This week marks my second full week back at work ('full' is relative). You may have noticed the change with even fewer posts than normal. I have to say I'm struggling with the back-to-work thing. When I'm in the office, it's a totally different feeling than before. Before, I could go to work, do what I needed, and if something got in the way (like a longer lunch or a longer workout), then I would just go home later, or work at home in the evening. Now, those 8 hours are my only 8 hours I can work during, so everything has a heightened sense of stress and anxiety. I see it in the way I program (nuts, a bug, not making any progress today) and in the way I interact with my co-workers, which is to say, I don't. I also feel a lot of anxiety around pumping, when should I do it? How will I fit it in between that meeting and that other thing? How can I make any progress if all I do is pump?? In some ways I think my anxiety around pumping is really a metaphor for all my anxiety of returning to work and leaving Davis. It's something concrete, whereas all my sadness about being away from Davis and the life we had during maternity leave is a lot harder to harness. I feel so lucky that we have Jill (Grammie) here during this transition, dropping him off at daycare would make this a whole lot harder to handle! We have a website where we can track Davis' sleeping and eating and I find myself constantly checking it during the day (especially late afternoon). I knew life would be busy with a baby, but I didn't realize that everything in my life would feel like a tradeoff, or that I would feel like I can no longer do anything very well. I currently feel like I don't have enough time with Davis, am not working well, not getting enough exercise, and definitely not keeping up with my friendships. I'm trying to be patient with myself since everything is new, I need to give myself time to adjust to a new way of life. (But gosh darnit, why haven't I adjusted already?! :)

On another note, Davis is also going through a whole lot of changes! He's gained a pound a week for the last two weeks and he's now a whopping 14.5 lbs at 10weeks old. He's had two nights of 5 consecutive hours of sleep! John and I got really excited, but the last two nights have been back to the normal of 3-4 hours of sleep in a row maximum. All Davis wants to do now is stand.. he hates laying down and he wants you to hold him up so he can stand on his own two legs. Oi, he's gaining weight faster than I can adjust to carrying him! He's getting really close to finding his feet, right now he loves to rest his hands on his thighs and knees, which is super cute. He joins us for dinner most nights at the table in his high chair, he really likes to see what's going on. John has found a new giggle game, which is to 'airplane' Davis towards me and I smile and laugh and he giggles when he sees me! Up until now, no one has said he looks like either of us, but I had three people at yoga today say he looks like me! (Of course, they haven't seen John). One of them told me he has my smile! He's growing up so fast. I remember when things were really rough in the beginning I told myself that pretty soon I would look back on that time and wonder where it went...I'm already there!

Some things I've tried or am going to try to improve my productivity and reduce stress:

• I take really good notes towards the end of the day about what I'm doing, so I can drop whatever I am doing to get home on time. (This is a suggestion from my friend Katharina, who learned it from a former labmate of hers). It has definitely helped me get going faster the next day.
• I refrigerate the parts to my pump between uses, so I only have to wash them once at the end of the day.
• I'm going to focus on catching up on reading current literature during pumping.
• Pretty soon I can combine my exercise with our morning routine when Davis can go in the jogging stroller.
• I'm debating about working another afternoon at home (right now I work at home on Tuesday mornings, and am way more productive and relaxed than I am at work).
• Make sure to have plans with at least one friend on the weekends.
  
• Workout at lunchtime and eat lunch at my desk (this I do, good for productivity, bad for lab socialization, maybe I can move one workout to the mornings and make sure to eat lunch with people once during the week).

And now there's lots to do to get ready for tomorrow...but more suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!
-